New Blog.

Been looking for a new Blog and recently found a new blog engine but still unsure if i'm going to shift over anyway i'm using Vox now. www.Vox.com and you can find my blog there "-xBenjamin ToxiFlyy’s blog " i'm still weighing out my thoughts. i love my blogskin so much but it just have to give me problems i'm going to miss this blog alot. Afterall it contains all my memories be it happy or sad.

Omg omg is Ben is on the Straits Times!

I GUESS I'll just Fly away~

friend (frěnd) Pronunciation Key

• A person whom one knows, likes, and trusts.


• A person whom one knows; an acquaintance.


• A person with whom one is allied in a struggle or cause; a comrade.


• One who supports, sympathizes with, or patronizes a group, cause, or movement:

The word friend maybe be 6 letters but it has more meaning than what it seems.

These few days it has been bad for me, taking today for example, i woke up late and was late for school. nothing good seems to be happening to me, except for unhappiness and sorrow. It's so scary thinking back on how fast faces changed, we can be happily chatting together, playing around with the usual laughter in the air and in another few hours later, you will staring straight at a stern looking face. flames burning in his eyes, eyebrowns crinkled, bringing expression to a halt.

I'm totally regretful for what i've done afterall i meant not harm, little did i expect the consequences to be like that. everything boils down to an "IF". if i knew this and if i knew that, the world we live in wouldn't be like that. After this incident, it makes me feel how fragile friendship can be. it is like an egg you hold ever so tightly in your hands and you have to go through hurdles of obstacles which sole purpose was to make you release that grip and there goes friendship. it seriously makes me ponder what are friends in this circle and thats where i realized we are merely aquintances. I'm merely just another lamppost you meet as your travel along life's expressway. one after another different lamppost past you and you just become numb to it and in the end you don't even realise it's importance anymore.

I can only say it was foolish of me trying to rush into things. As i stated back then, i felt isolated from this group. it's like my existence was just there to make number and i can even be a nuisance to the group. i only had one single intention in mind and it's not negative i hope. i just wanted to feel bonded back with the group. i think in an effort to do that i brought unwanted attention to myself and even bring barrage of unfortunate events.

Today on my way to school even though i was late i still made the effort to go school, i missed my bus and as i waited i saw my grandmother walking closer to me she too wants to take a bus. something poped out in my mind. i felt buses were like time and as i sat at the bus stop, different buses brought different friends, excitment and fun. they stayed with you at the bus stop and later, off they go on to another bus and then another bus comes along and bring you something new and the cycle goes on.

what i want is innocence, be it physical, mental or spritual. all i want are simple pleasure in life but in real world, simple pleasure is simply difficult to come by, all we can do is to wait in anxiety and hope. They said good things comes to those who wait, but i've been waiting patiently all my life, when is that special BANG going to appear to me. i'm too exhausted to keep my spirit in longing. My studies is a flop, way below average grades are coming to me which i had before, i guess this is the retribution i deserve.

In life cross roads are a plenty, decisions are made and i've made mine and i've fallen into a bottomless pit, now in free fall nothing can save me and with watered eyes, tears are lifted off my cheeks with the gushing of the wind and there is no regrets. Afterall decisions are made by myself i have nobody to blame and in no position to regret.

There is so much i want to say, my brains are cranking and those images seems choked. my brains are unable to process. anyway it pains me to see myself in this scenario, i guess it's just a revelation of time and i've got to take it in stride. i've got nothing to say and i guess i'm just guilty and convicted.

Only Time will tell

Reaching for the Impossible

Feelin Feelin...

Since last night i have no idea why i was in the mood to blog. it's been 1 month since i last blogged, on several occasions i had the feel to blog but sometimes, things just pops out one after another. I've shot several images with my cellphone with the notion to blog but i didn't, so there's quite an accumulation on my camera picture folder.

Talking about pictures, my laptop have been formatted and now my photoshop is gone, it's such a big blow to me, phototaking and editing days are over if i do not get it back in my computer soon.

For the past few weeks i haven't been home, been staying at different places, but mainly i stayed at my grandparent's place. It's kind of boring staying there, the only fun thing was the companionship from my cousins. they have no internet connection there and no games. luckily i bought my PSP and talking about my psp brings me to a boil. it has only been weeks since i bought it and it's analog is spoilt and it cost me 55$ just to change it. i'm like so freaking pissed off. it's like the psp itself is $288 and for a small plastic thing it cost $55, it's like daylight robbery but as much as i complain and rant, i still have to pay considering i need to use it for role playing games.

Lately, i feel that i've been drifting in and out of so called depression. everyday i've been hoping for a special something to happen but it just doesn't want to manifest itself, so as the days grows old and with the passing of time, my hope slowly dwindles and despair sets in, which results in the corruption of my mind. I can't helping feeling isolated from this world, people who seems close to me seems to be a million miles apart, i can bearly see them from the distance even with all the squinting and straining of my eyes. i feel lost, i've lost my sense of directions.

At times i looked back and regret, filled with remorse and guilt. however at this point of time, it's too late you can make up for the things u have done wrong but you cant make up for lost time. I ponder over these and happen to bump onto some thoughts which deems really true. In life decision have to made one way or another, be it good or bad it's the direction in life we want to take. sometimes you can't have the best of both world which this applies to me, as much i want to join my friends, being there when they need me or looking for them when i need them or just hanging out to have fun, it is at the expense of something, it can be monetary or even times for your other friends and family or even school.

Ever since i've been in the "circle"more or less, i've neglected many things, for example school, health, money and even my other friends. i even wished i was a clown, being good at juggling which i can juggle my time to lead a fulfilling life. There's so much i want to do and time just doesnt seem to be on my side, it's like my rival having a race with me and i'm already exhausted with the challenge i want things to stop. Listening to beyonce's irreplaceable, it seems like it is merely just a word, plain and simple which means nothing. Time only reveal things, some can be forseen however some comes in the later part which gives you a fatal deadly blow straight to the chest where it hurts and the pain radiates from the core of the wounded site. i've came to learn that nobody is irreplaceable. irreplaceable is something time can tell, at one point you may seem like you feel lost without the person feeling that and follows him around and one day he tells you that he dislike you following him around and wish that you would stop doing that,you feel the pinch and in the end as time goes by you feel that you do not need to depend on him as you have found someone else.. this clearly shows that irreplaceable is temporary it's just a human feeling kind of thing in the end the survival instinct just takes over.

i feel so caught up in emotions, it seems like this post is doused in bitterness and emptiness. so many feelings are bottling up in me, i need someone to confide in but i just cant see nobody to do that. Drowning in the vast ocean of misery, where life hangs on a thin thread stretched to it's max only to give way in the end and i'm the only one i can see in the picture, just me and myself.

i've watched Sweet sixteen with my cousin and i'm left with envy which is very sinful of me to harbour such thoughts. i just cant helping wondering why some people's life are just so perfect, they have to money, the looks, have that perfect gf/bf and wonderful family and thinking to myself why aren't i blessed with any of those. i guess i just have to wait for my happy ending life like an ugly duckling, only to be happy at the end. Feeling empty and lost and sense of voidness in me.. i guess i'm just a shell for my soul to accomplish it's mission on earth and to stay here for a few decades thats all. intially i feel that i'm not really a plastic kind of person, however there are different way of defining plastic, but its main point is putting a false front. i tried my best not to be a plastic person it's better to have more friends than enemies but due to dire circumstances, no matter how you try to salvage, the crack just seems to get thicker and longer only to give way in the end .some are plastic to people they don't like, whereas for some, they are not what they seem they are.

I guess i'm just so caught up with expressing all my negative energy.. this becomes a volley of bags of negative energy. i think i'll just stop here.



Pictures ---- ++

Topsy Turvy World.

Restrictions

Sengkang with Fiona

Looking back on each step. It's History

Glamour ball

Sandman of Sentosa Singapore

My favourite Drink

Ressurection of my blog.

sweeping away cobwebs that has formed during my abscence of not bloggingin addition to that, tags are a plenty and i've yet to reply them. Nothing much to blog about anyway. i've been staying at home for the past 4 weeks already, rotting away at home, in an effort to save money because the new sony ericsson phone (w960i) is coming soon and that is my current motivation, my target and my determination. Talking about saving money, this month is a really difficult month to save as it's a month of many birthdays. starting of the month was (2)kenneth, (3)max, (13)garrick, (14)gary not to forget (23)mine too...^^ followed by my (25)aunty and last but not least (29)zhi liang, all in the month of october.

Over the days at home, Boredom has drove me nuts. i've been slacking my ass off at home and to my mother, its a good thing as it's been quite some times since i've stayed at home. in order to counter boredom, fiona has introduced to me a new game and i've been trying it out, this game called WOW, also known as world of warcraft, it is quite a fun game to play, if you are a computer graphics hardcore enthusiast, it's a must try! the graphics is fantastic to make things addictive, the skills and talents which i'm trying very hard to aquire. currently i'm on the trial version which i'm allowed to play for 10days and level to the maximum of 20. but the sad thing is today is the last day of my trial and i'm not able to play anymore. i have to pay already, and i'm so reluctant to buy it as i'm scared if i get too addicted to the game i'll neglect my friends or i might go out with my friends and i'll be wasting the money. i've trained a lvl 16 hunter (xhuntertroll) and a lvl 13warlock (xImmortalz) and the warlock is my current active.

staying at home everyday makes me miss my friends but i have not been feeling well and went to see a doctor on wednesday and i've been coughing and weezing for the past 3 weeks and it's been taunting me that i'm might be suffering from some incurable illness. i've got a big big packet of antibiotics, cough syrup and lozenges for sorethroat. during this time, i felt like i was neglecting my friends and i'm sorry.

this new school term has been going on very smoothly for me, however there is this 1 module that is like a parasite pulling down everything else. Things are piling up to my neck now and i can feel the suffocation already. tons of things left undone and time management. i admire those people who can really juggle their time well, having sufficent time for themselves and social life.

currently things to do:

-Study for my upcoming o levels *YES! o levels maths, just can't seem to pass that fucking thing.*

-Finish my schools' professional profiling

-save money for my cell phone (w960i)

i happen to find some quote on the internet:

The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the most ofeverything that comes their way.

how i wish i could be like that, being a happy person and not being a shell, the exterior which everybody thinks they know but not knowing the inside.

Blogging Blogging Blogging...

i slept early the day before thinking that if i sleep early i could very well have the energy to wake up early the next day, but i deem that theory as inaccurate. Tabulating the historical occurrences of this phenomenon, I realize that I’ve always felt extra lethargic the next day, the more I sleep the more tired I get and at times I could even sleep at 4 or 5 and wake up early for school.

So much for such a grandma story I shall just cut to the chase, yesterday I couldn’t get up for school and my mother was bombarding me with questions, reason being I’m going overseas soon and I’ve got no idea when it is but she said I had to get it done asap and it is urgent because all the expense of the trip has been paid and she doesn’t want to forfeit it.

So I decided the sleep in till 12 and went down to lavender roughly around 2 and on my way there, on the bus 73 to amk mrt station I realized I left my passport at home and I fucking have to go back home in a 76 and luckily it is a 76, because 73 goes a freaking big round. I went back and took my passport and went back was on the phone through out the journey had much to talk about..

After ICS building, I made my way down to town to find Benji, only to find out he was in the movie and I was alone at cine walking up and down doing nothing and so asked alan to come down and accompany me since he was already meeting derrick in town. While waiting for Alan and derrick to come I sat at rocky masters outside cineleisure and when they arrived we went kobayashi to eat then went to smoke and then Ming yang finally arrived.

We slacked around and walk around cineleisure and went hereen and slack and actually that is all that we did. We walked from Cine – Hereen – Takashima – Cine – Hereen –Cine – Hereen. Woah. What a fun day… LOL walking up and down the same places again and again, but that just another typical day in town.

We were supposed to go the show at Prince Theatre for the free tickets Ming yang and I have gotten from the previous event at St. James. Reason being we don’t know where Prince Theatre is and when we found out where it is, it was too far. So in the end we forfeited the tickets and Just now I went to smoke with Benji, Fiona and friends I burnt the tickets.. LOL!

So tonight I’ll be going out with my classmates for some gathering then will be meeting Ming yang and the rest at PLAY~

Below is the Pictures taken outside Cine With Yangyang and michelle laopo.

MingYang with fake "BANGS"

Camwhoring at iShop at cine *playing with effects*

starting a blog has become more like a responsibility, once you start most of them can't really stop. people comment on my blog entries being like a monthly column, where updates are only done once a month.

now i'm in school and the boredom is killing me. i very much want to blog on a daily basis but due to commitment to other things, blog seems to be one of the last piority. over the last few weeks, what should have happened, happened and what should not have happened also happened already, but oh well, i shan't give a damn of what is going on anymore.

i think i'm going to make the effort to blog on that very day of the event, it is such a chore to remember everything and the procrastination. in short over the last weeks, i've skipped many days of school because i'm already in holiday mood and i can't seem to wake up in the morning to go to school. i wished school started later i don't mind it ending later when the sun sets then it wont bloody fucking hot to walk to the freaking far mrt station.

all i remember that happened is i've went to Play one faithful saturday and it has been months and i really mean months since i last club and when i went there, we were expected to pay cover charge because they had a guest DJ, an aussie guy and had to pay 20$ which my friends and i didn't want to pay at all, and thus we decided to do something silly which might result in us being banned from play it was stupid but it was thrilling and fun and wouldn't mind doing it again until i become numb to the adrenaline.

First 200 door gift at St.james surf surf revolution goggles.. xP

in addition to clubs, i've been going to st. james powerhouse for the last 2 weeks, it was such a big difference in comparision to play and whynot. what's so good? it's cause of the lights, the ambience and the music. st. james fabulous sunday as said it happens on a sunday and school is next day which i can't afford to skip anymore i very much wanted to go school straight after st. james. but it is too physically and mentally exhausting to accomplish. On my way way home in the 147 bus ride, eye lids are heavy, everything seems to be in a swirl and off i go deep into lala land and missed my bus stop.

I remember it was ah geok's Birthday HAPPY BIRTHDAY AH GEOK. he had his birthday celebrated at AJ infested spinelli and never in my life had i saw a triangular birthday cake, it was a normal cake covered in dark chocolate... YUMMY!! talking abour chocolate i seem to be in a chocolate CRAZY MOOD! i've been eating alot and alot of chocolate these few days, which is such a sin.

Ah geok's birthday cake..

i've been to the dentist and boy was it painful, i had to do root canal treatment, what is it? it is:

Example:

Process:

1. An opening is made into the crown of the tooth.


2. The pulp is removed from the pulp chamber and the root canals. The canals are then cleaned.


3. The canals are filled with an inert material and the access opening covered with a permanent filling. In many cases, a crown will need to be placed on the tooth.


it may sound simple but it is a tedious process taking 4 days and each day cost me $100. to the doctor it is tedious for the patient it is painful. i had several injections to relief the pain but it was still as painful so feel i could do better without the injections as the injection itself was painful enough. my mom gave me $100 to pay for the dentist but i took the money and went shopping instead. i went zara with garrick, benji and calli and spent $70. when i went home, mom asked me where is the money and why didn't i pay i said i lend the money to a friend. how am i going to cough out the cash to return her. DIE!!! ><" i bought a new so called slipper cum sandal from new urban male. haha.. borrowed $50 from fiona to get it.. all for sake of the surf surf revolution happening at st.james..
The slipper is white based i wanted to get a black base with orange straps but fiona claims it was ugly and i bought this and the white base is so easily dirtied.. SAD ><"




this is baby my very very cute doggie.. you see her cleopatra pose.. so sexy ahh.. :P







this Picture is taken at "THE CATHAY" i was in the toilet changing to my new clothes bought for clubbing at play, this white undies caught my eyes and i notice there were some "MELTED CHOCOLATE, WITH NUTS" ewww!!! the person just left his undies there means he must be walking ard BUTT BEAR and can feel the cloth of his pants.







This hairstyle is so totally cool with its vibrant colours i saw in a magazine at ming yang house he said it is going to take me 1 year to grow to that length if i wanna cut a hair style something like that.


A gift from Yeejian.. a necklance i've been eye-ing for sometime. :D